I drove a Cybertruck around SF because I am a smart, cool alpha male
- 26253577
- Jul 10, 2024
- 3 min read
By Drew Magary,Columnist
Original article:
SFGATE columnist Drew Magary drove the (in)famous Tesla vehicle around the city and lived to tell the tale
SFGATE columnist Drew Magary is photographed while driving down Lombard Street in San Francisco in a Tesla Cybertruck, on Thursday, May 9, 2024.Charles Russo/SFGATE
By Drew Magary, Columnist
July 9, 2024
I got to drive a Tesla Cybertruck for a day this spring. You jealous? You should be, because Elon Musk’s Boy Scout project is the kind of virile, powerful spacetruck that should be owned and driven only by our largest, wealthiest, whitest men. The kind of men who use speakerphone on airplanes. The kind of men who talk big about colonizing Mars as if it’s a realistic scenario. The kind of men who are training artificial intelligence to not only take your job but also steal your wife. Real can-do American men.
I am one such man. That’s why SFGATE asked me, someone who knows precious little about how cars actually work, to test-drive a Cybertruck. I fit the customer profile for one to a T. I am tall. I am white. I am loud. I don’t really have many friends where I live. Most important, I desperately want people to think I’m cool. You can see my thirst from the f—king moon, so why not drive an equally conspicuous truck?
SFGATE columnist Drew Magary inspects the Tesla Cybertruck he rented prior to driving it, on Thursday, May 9, 2024.
Charles Russo/SFGATE
So I opened up a Turo account (Turo is like Airbnb but for cars) and found a brand spanking new Cybertruck to rent for $500 a day, or roughly $850 once all taxes and fees had been included. While I was standing next to my rental Cybertruck, a woman on the street — a self-proclaimed medium named Free — walked up and started touching the car like it was a pregnant woman’s belly. Free cried out, “Goddamn! This s—t seems like plastic!” Whether the spirits told her this was unclear, but she was deeply unimpressed.
That’s because the exterior of the Cybertruck is ugly. You might have deduced this merely from looking at pictures of Elon’s beloved car online, but I assure you that seeing the truck in person won’t change your mind. This car is all hard angles and even harder steel, with exterior panels that are often off in alignment. It’s a loud car, which is by design. Anyone who buys a Cybertruck, or any journalist who rents one as a stunt, is doing so for the attention. That included the gentleman who rented it to me, who once worked for Tesla and was surprised (and seemingly displeased) that the people taking his car out for a joyride worked for the press. He suspected we were going to say mean s—t about Elon, and he was right. Elon Musk is a penis.
SFGATE columnist Drew Magary drives past San Francisco’s Palace of Fine Arts in the Tesla Cybertruck he rented, on Thursday, May 9, 2024.
Charles Russo/SFGATE
But I do commend Musk for at least trying to make a car that stands out on the road when both safety regulations and manufacturing efficiency have conspired to make so many new cars look exactly the same. The Cybertruck doesn’t look like anything else out there, which is why your average new-money bro wants to plunk down $60,000 (at the minimum) for one. They’re paying to be noticed, and they don’t care what flavor of attention they might receive.
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